Alas, the producers have been bogged down by conferences, teaching and children, and so only now do we post last week's results. This week's contest comes later in the day.

We will begin where there is little suspense: While Julia and Nels didn't submit, only Julia called in her "writer's block" freebie, so Nels has earned his rejection slip. I'm sure he'll plead something lame, like teaching or conferences or children, something the producers would never dream of allowing. . . . errrmm . . .

As for those who remain:

N. and Bill, while you certainly don't fight like a married couple, you sure do dish the dirt like one. Another challenge like this one, and you'll be fighting one another to see who gets eliminated. So much talent, squandered.

Phillip and Daniel, at first we were baffled by your fight over the New Yorker cartoon. "Who fights over New Yorker cartoons?" we wondered. Then we realized the brilliant meta-narrative conceit: "a-ha! This is not only about New Yorker cartoons, but it's the sort of thing that would appear in a New Yorker cartoon." Sadly, like most of those cartoons, this isn't as funny as it hopes to be.

Suzanne and Patricia, we loved the set-up and the conflict in your piece. So unexpected, so real. And that Jarod Jefferson IV really is dreamy. But really: a baby seal coat? They're so cute! That's such a terrible image! Save the baby seals!

Perry and Lucy, you really do sound like a married couple--if that married couple were a grusome mystery detective and an oversexed romance heroine. Personal visions conflicting like characters in a cheap romance thriller! Bodies in tarps! Stubbed out cigars! Sea-green berber carpet! Linda Howard would be proud. You are our winners for this week.