Welcome to the final judging of Challenge #5, which is also the final judging by our lovely guest judges, who have just been flown in from the wings to make a final appearance.

We were, frankly, appalled by the prospect that any of these mere mortals would replace us. Of course, Delores Haze is excepted, becuase she is no mere mortal, and as such, is disqualified from the competition. Nice try N. are a clever bastard, and we like ya for it. We doubt the next judges will.

We were also compelled by the possible pairing of Melvin Finkelschlagen and Paige Markham, but we realized they'd never work together--despite Finkelschlagen's marriage to the lovely Fifi, we know that it's just a sham, and that he and Paige, sexpot that she is, wouldn't be able to stop shagging long enough to even read the entries. Besides, Perry and Lucy are already, well, we'll let them tell you, we don't need another TOP NOVELIST romance.

And so, we appoint the embittered Norman Poulenc and ... um, what was her name? as the next judges: more intriguing possibilities, evil, evil, mean possibilities, which we like, abound. Daniel's vengeful loser strikes us as just the type of literary figure who, knowing he's got nothing left in the tank, starts accepting gigs like this one. Perry's unnamed baseball-diamond saboteur--we'll simply call her "Marge Schottenheimer"--may not have the literary chops, but we like her cojones.

Of the bottom three, Patricia, Phillip and BILL, niether Patricia nor BILL submitted an entry this week, despite the fact that they had already used up their Writer's block freebies. Unfortunately, Phillip's entry was so sad-sack, sop snivelling, so put-me-on-Zoloft-now that he would have been better off not submitting anything. Phillip, your email address suggests, you are a loser. This is your rejection slip: not a week too soon.

BILL and Patricia, there is another fate that could await you. I hear there is a remainders book fair being held in Washington State this June 10. If you don't submit next week, well, revenge is sweet and copies of "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" long to nestle next to you.